i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
