she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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