Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
false alarm, still single
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