I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
