my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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