bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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