You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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