On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
not ubering you a puppy
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
