you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
