she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize