Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
