apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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