best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
