I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
