Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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