Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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