In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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