i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
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Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
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Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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