I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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