**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
