We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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