Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
