what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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