Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
