Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
