Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
