Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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