I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
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no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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