Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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