I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
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It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
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I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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