from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
