haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
