Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
