and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
