If i come over, it means nothing
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
