And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
