i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
