Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
