Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
