I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
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I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
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THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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