I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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