I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
