well you can't waste a boner
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
