I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
