I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Fuck appropriateness.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
