Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
