How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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