so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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