I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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