we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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