Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
