Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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