he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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