I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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