Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
