Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
