I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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