When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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