i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
